Saturation

Whilst this last attack is fresh, I want to try and write down what it feels like. Despite it feeling a lot less intense than it was prior to this change of diet, it is still significant, and still in many ways, debilitating. The constant feeling of nausea, the noise in my head, ears and the big swings in mood - all too common.

But something is curiously different. It is intense but less invasive now. I did not throw up this time, I knew it was coming, my ears were blocked for days prior to it, and the weather has been horrible.

What does it feel like ? Saturation. It feels like irritation on a mental level. A level of overwhelming noise. Many weeks back, when the attacks brought constant vomiting, it felt like I could not move, every motor movement created a wrenching feeling at the back of my head. I was overwhelmed it would be impossible to describe the sensation. If I was to describe it, it felt like I had a drill put into the back of my head, and churning my head.

Now that the intensity has softened, it is easier to pinpoint and describe. It feels like a part of the brain, near the crown of the head is experiencing an overwhelming distortion, that sensation creates a sense of anxiety and chemistry that begins a trail of destruction, impending doom. I guess in many ways, if I was to let it overwhelm, it would initiate a chain of chemicals that breed further anxiety, fear and adrenaline. But there is no easy way for me to tell my subconscious to stop, with the exception to not allow myself to follow it - the subconscious is a creature of habit no? How can I achieve this ?

What I found a little helpful - is to tell myself

An attack is happening, my ears are clearing up, this is the necessary evil of becoming better. Soon my tinnitus will be gone, and the fullness will dissipate. Ignore my ear, focus on my eye, and let my eye not follow the path it wishes to follow, focus on an object, disallow it to move away into nystagmus, and stay calm. Ignore the pain in my shoulder, let go off the stiffness. Breath and focus on my breathing, just watch, watch it lengthen and not allow to become shallow and short, watch my heartbeat - and watch it slow, and lessen intensity, listen to the thump, not carry with it, it will soften and cease. Basically be aware, but rather than fight, accept it as it is. 

It has been helpful for me, and I hope it helps you.